{"id":2675,"date":"2025-09-16T13:00:37","date_gmt":"2025-09-16T13:00:37","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/baldheadedgirls.com\/?p=2675"},"modified":"2025-09-18T14:59:34","modified_gmt":"2025-09-18T14:59:34","slug":"this-is-the-one-thing-we-get-wrong-when-looking-for-a-partner","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/baldheadedgirls.com\/index.php\/2025\/09\/16\/this-is-the-one-thing-we-get-wrong-when-looking-for-a-partner\/","title":{"rendered":"This Is The One Thing We Get Wrong When Looking For A Partner"},"content":{"rendered":"

A kitten. There is a kitten balancing on his forearm.<\/em> When I first saw my now-boyfriend\u2019s Hinge profile<\/a>, I stopped in my digital tracks. Clearly this meant that not only did he like cats but that this cat liked him<\/em>. I\u2019d long yearned for a cat-person partner and along with a photo of him wearing a Peep Show<\/em> T-shirt, I reasoned that these similar interests were a sure sign we were meant to be together<\/a>. It turns out I\u2019m not alone in this thinking \u2013 but it\u2019s not always ideal for a relationship.<\/p>\n

Some 61% of daters use apps to meet people who share common interests, according to research<\/a> by Healthy Framework. <\/p>\n

According to a study by the Pew Research Center<\/a> revealed that 64% of married Americans believe that having shared interests is very important for a successful marriage. Those surveyed even ranked shared interests as more essential than good sex or shared political beliefs. Why do we think this, and are shared interests really the marker of a lasting relationship<\/a>?<\/p>\n

My boyfriend and I are a year into our relationship now and I can count our mutual interests on one hand (after cats and Peep Show<\/em>, the other three are pizza, weed and reggaeton, if you\u2019re curious). I like watching reality TV; he thinks it\u2019s drivel and would much rather put on a horror film that\u2019ll make me weep with stress. He is obsessed with finding the most authentic, local food on vacation (the more adventurous, the better), while I find trying new foods anxiety-inducing. My hangover days routinely consist of bed-bound binge-eating, whereas he favours going to the gym \u2013 leaving me to consume junk food as though I\u2019m in some sort of solo competition.<\/p>\n

\u201cWhen you first start dating someone, it can be exciting to discover that you have a lot in common,\u201d says relationship expert Carmelia Ray<\/a>. \u201cHowever, as time passes, you may find that having too much in common can be just as challenging as having nothing.\u201d\u00a0<\/p>\n

Dating apps like Hinge are built on the idea of finding someone whose likes and dislikes are similar to yours. Hinge\u2019s USP might be getting your personality across with quirky conversation-starters, but we\u2019re scanning them for interests we identify with. We might think, Ah, they\u2019re a drinker \u2013 thank God<\/em>. We examine their photos to see if they might love travelling, partying or the pub. Oh, they like vintage shopping on the weekends? Me too!<\/em> Searching for commonalities is sewn into the discourse of modern dating and it\u2019s becoming more extreme by the day. Tinder\u2019s 2021 update included the launch of the \u2018Explore\u2019 tool to make it easier to find people with the exact same interests as you. Newer apps are even more blinkered: POM claims to match users on the basis of their listening history; Clover allows you to join groups like \u2018dog lovers\u2019; Kippo matches gamers based on the games both parties play.\u00a0<\/p>\n

\u201cPeople often confuse compatibility with being the same,\u201d says relationship psychotherapist Charisse Cooke<\/a>. \u201cIt\u2019s often the differences in relationships that can cause problems and conflict. So we may imagine someone having the same interests as us protects us from misunderstandings or disagreements.\u201d<\/p>\n

Perhaps this boils down to a rebellion against the badly matched relationships of our elders? After all, it\u2019s only in the last 50 years or so that we\u2019ve been marrying for love first and foremost. \u201cIn previous generations, the main motivation for relationships and commitment was security,\u201d continues Cooke. \u201cBeing part of a couple or family unit was imperative for social and economic reasons.\u201d The number of shared interests, or similarities in general, was not part of the decision-making. Cooke believes that younger generations have an \u201curge to merge\u201d their lives: we want to view the world the same way, hold the same beliefs and do the same things. By doing this, Cooke believes we expect to experience less dysfunction and stress. But are we going too far in our pursuit of a clone-like \u201ctype on paper\u201d?<\/p>\n

For starters, having different interests from your partner allows you to become a more well-rounded person. \u201cWhen dating someone with the same interests, there\u2019s less room for growth,\u201d says Cooke. \u201cYou may find that you stop trying new things.\u201d\u00a0<\/p>\n

Hattie, a 27-year-old art director based in London, has wildly different music tastes from her boyfriend. But through compromise (yay to adulting!) she\u2019s discovered a surprising appreciation of genres she thought she despised. \u201cI used to be adamant that I hated all music without lyrics,\u201d says Hattie, a lover of indie bands and pop bangers. \u201cBut nowadays, if I just have at least one lyric to hold onto, then I can have fun.\u201d She now loves dance festivals like GALA and has swapped Tom Odell for Caribou on her running playlist. In turn, her boyfriend recently discovered a love of Sam Fender and Holly Humberstone \u2013 artists typically too mainstream <\/em>for him \u2013 after being dragged to see them at this year\u2019s Glastonbury festival.<\/p>\n

\u201cIt\u2019s essential to continue exploring new things together so your relationship can grow and change over time,\u201d says Cooke. It\u2019s a bit like the echo chamber effect on social media. We become narrow-minded when we seek out opinions or information that reinforce our existing views.<\/p>\n

Different opinions and interests also prevent boredom. Mancunians Lizzie, 27, and Harry, 29, have been together for almost 10 years and note that their differences are what keep the relationship fresh. \u201cThere are interests we\u2019ve picked up from each other and do together but it\u2019s the separate ones which allow us to have independence and our own space,\u201d says Lizzie. The couple certainly don\u2019t agree on everything, especially when it comes to\u00a0what constitutes fun \u2013 yoga vs rugby, for example. \u201cYou have friends for a reason,\u201d she continues. \u201cThey\u2019re who I have the most shared tastes with, and it makes spending time with them that much more fun.\u201d\u00a0<\/p>\n

A sense of separate identity is essential when it comes to the unthinkable relationship breakup. Lana* is a 27-year-old tax advisor who recently split with her girlfriend of two years. \u201cThankfully I kept most of my hobbies separate during our relationship and this has helped me so much,\u201d she says. \u201cI\u2019ve managed to retain my sense of self and the memory of her doesn\u2019t lurk over all my favorite activities.\u201d<\/p>\n

Breakups can be far more traumatizing when every little thing reminds you of them (a brief break from my current partner almost ruined cats for me forever). Cooke even believes that too many shared interests can make relationships last longer than they should. \u201cIt can make leaving them that much harder, in fear you\u2019ll never find someone you can share so much with again,\u201d she says.<\/p>\n

Shared hobbies can also trigger unfriendly competition. \u201cMy boyfriend and I are both really into the outdoors and fitness so when we took up climbing together I thought it\u2019d be a great way to bond and have fun,\u201d says 28-year-old teacher Tanya*. \u201cBut he started to get much better, much faster and it knocked my confidence. I felt discouraged, unreasonably angry and stopped enjoying it altogether.\u201d Although she theoretically likes the idea of her boyfriend getting more into running, which is her favorite sport, Tanya anticipates it feeling like he\u2019s encroaching on her identity. \u201cHe\u2019s naturally quite an outspoken, dominating character and as I\u2019m much softer, it would probably feel like he\u2019s taking over that side of me,\u201d she continues.<\/p>\n

\u201cSociety has conditioned us to believe that having similar interests can equate to being romantically compatible \u2014 but in reality, having similar interests is not enough for a couple to sustain a happy and successful long-term relationship,\u201d confirms Lisa Fei, founder and CEO of relationship wellness app Clarity<\/a>. \u201cHaving similar values and ethics is what can make or break a relationship in the long run.\u201d<\/p>\n

Lana agrees, sharing: \u201cI\u2019ve discovered that having similar value systems is much more important to me. For example, do you make decisions based on the same moral code? If you don\u2019t appreciate each other\u2019s logic and how you get to decisions, then you don\u2019t actually understand each other.\u201d<\/p>\n

Respect for each other\u2019s differences is crucial, too. \u201cI\u2019m very spiritually minded,\u201d says Tanya. \u201cAnd although Jack* might roll his eyes when I say I want to sage the house or set some intentions, he would never belittle my interests because they don\u2019t align with his.\u201d Having different passions doesn\u2019t mean you need to spend time doing them apart either. \u201cMy ex and I did a thing called \u2018alone time together\u2019,\u201d says Lana. \u201cI would read my book and she would practice on her DJ decks. It felt like we were together but we also got our essential alone time with our favorite hobbies.\u201d <\/p>\n

\u201cAs long as your\u00a0values and non-negotiables are aligned, having different interests can be healthy,\u201d continues Fei. \u201cIt\u2019s differences in values about fidelity or life goals, for example, that could prove fatal to a long-term partnership,\u201d adds Cooke.<\/p>\n

Yes, I enjoy the many cat memes my boyfriend and I send each other. And of course it\u2019s utter bliss when we smoke while eating pizza every Sunday. But I still don\u2019t watch horror movies or get a kick out of trying new foods. My boyfriend is never going to watch Love Island<\/a><\/em> with me or discuss the latest creative director movements in the fashion industry. And that\u2019s fine. I have a whole host of incredible pals to do this with and more. And as for my solo hangover eating competition, it\u2019s wonderful \u2013 more junk food for me.<\/p>\n

*Names have been changed to protect identities<\/em><\/p>\n

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A kitten. There is a kitten balancing on his forearm. When I first saw my now-boyfriend\u2019s Hinge profile, I stopped in my digital tracks. Clearly this meant that not only did he like cats but that this cat liked him. I\u2019d long yearned for a cat-person partner and along with a photo of him wearing…<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":[],"categories":[15],"tags":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/baldheadedgirls.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2675"}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/baldheadedgirls.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/baldheadedgirls.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/baldheadedgirls.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/baldheadedgirls.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=2675"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"http:\/\/baldheadedgirls.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2675\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":2676,"href":"http:\/\/baldheadedgirls.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2675\/revisions\/2676"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/baldheadedgirls.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=2675"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/baldheadedgirls.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=2675"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/baldheadedgirls.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=2675"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}