{"id":2754,"date":"2025-09-24T13:00:51","date_gmt":"2025-09-24T13:00:51","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/baldheadedgirls.com\/?p=2754"},"modified":"2025-09-25T14:59:06","modified_gmt":"2025-09-25T14:59:06","slug":"my-situationship-breakup-hurt-more-than-ending-my-5-year-relationship","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/baldheadedgirls.com\/index.php\/2025\/09\/24\/my-situationship-breakup-hurt-more-than-ending-my-5-year-relationship\/","title":{"rendered":"My Situationship Breakup Hurt More Than Ending My 5-Year Relationship"},"content":{"rendered":"

When the person I\u2019d been dating<\/a> for a few months told me that he was getting back together with his ex-girlfriend, effectively ending our situationship<\/a>, I went a bit light-headed. It did not help that it was at my favorite bar on a Saturday night, I hadn\u2019t had much sleep and we\u2019d had six double G&Ts between us. Passersby stubbed their cigarettes out in the ashtray on our table as he emphasized how gutted he was because I had been \u201cso much fun\u201c<\/em>. He told me I was so cool, so pretty, so smart, so funny. \u201cYou\u2019re sexy,\u201d he added for good measure, \u201cI really rate you.\u201d To my brain, the subtext was obnoxiously clear: I like fucking you<\/em> but I don\u2019t like YOU<\/em>. If the ground had split in two and swallowed me up in that exact moment, I would\u2019ve been thankful.\u00a0<\/p>\n

After I broke up with my boyfriend of four and a half years, I convinced myself that nothing could rival that discomfort, especially not something that by its very nature was intended to be fleeting. Somehow, this pain eclipsed it. With the relationship breakup<\/a>, I felt an ache for almost a year. It would flare occasionally. This pain was red-hot and restless. I tried my best to put it aside but it was constantly on my mind, even days later. <\/p>\n

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The spontaneous, undefined nature of a situationship can mean that you go quickly from speaking to each other every day to being unfollowed, ghosted or blocked without another word.<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n<\/figure>\n

When I went out onto the balcony of my new apartment, I found myself glaring at the limp cheese plant he\u2019d bought me and debating whether to toss it onto the driveway below. It all came to a head a week later, when my flatmate chirpily relayed the details of her own similar situationship and to my surprise (and embarrassment) I burst into tears \u2013 howling, hyperventilating, headache-inducing tears. I was mortified. I knew I didn\u2019t love this person, even care for them the way I\u2019d cared for my ex, so how could this hurt so much? The next day I relayed my confusion to my best friend, who nodded understandingly and said: \u201cI\u2019ve seen a TikTok about this.\u201d<\/p>\n

In the TikTok in question<\/a>, a woman asks the camera if anyone can explain why the breakdown of her three-month situationship hurt more than getting out of her five-year relationship. It was a question that seemed to come up time and time again, in comment sections, Twitter threads and conversations among friends. I was reassured to know it wasn\u2019t quite the phenomenon I first thought it was but, like many others, I was desperate to know the answer.<\/p>\n

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@robbiesmoonmusic<\/a> #stitch<\/a> w\/ @GIGI DEE \ud83d\udc99 \u2026 \u201cthe vacation had it\u2019s wonderful moments but looking back, it could\u2019ve been way better\u201d #metaphor<\/a> #breakup<\/a> #relationship<\/a> #heartbroken<\/a> #genz<\/a> #situationship<\/a> \u266c original sound \u2013 Robbie Scott<\/a> <\/section>\n<\/blockquote>\n

Oloni, sex and relationships expert<\/a> and author of The Big O<\/a>, <\/em>explains that the reason why a situationship breakup can hurt more than a relationship breakup is because usually, one person doesn\u2019t see it coming. \u201cWith situationships, it\u2019s fun, it\u2019s full of fireworks \u2013 you never really know what\u2019s gonna come from it,\u201d she says. \u201cYou never know if it\u2019s gonna turn into a relationship or if it\u2019s just something that\u2019s for the now. With relationships, you kind of know where it\u2019s heading.\u201d The unpredictability is part of the situationship appeal. Oloni explains that with a long-term relationship<\/a>, typically there is an awareness, even if it\u2019s subconscious, when it\u2019s coming to an end. There could be a discussion (or several) before the breakup actually happens. You might even get back together several times before you definitively call it quits. \u201cBecause you have that preparation, it doesn\u2019t hurt as much\u2026 It\u2019s a bit more of a slower burn.\u201d\u00a0<\/p>\n

The spontaneous, undefined nature of a situationship can mean that you go quickly from speaking to each other every day to being unfollowed, ghosted or blocked without another word. Spotify Blend playlist removed; iMessage thread deleted. There\u2019s a natural desire to know exactly why they didn\u2019t choose you, what you did wrong and what you could\u2019ve done better. Simultaneously, there is a belief that you aren\u2019t within your rights to ask because that person was never officially yours. \u201cI feel like we\u2019re in this culture, if I can\u2019t call you my boyfriend or girlfriend, you don\u2019t really have a right to question my feelings or question my authenticity or question where I [saw] this relationship going,\u201d says Oloni. <\/p>\n

After he broke the news, the person I was in a situationship with asked tentatively if I had any questions but I, worried about appearing too bothered (pedantic, crazy even), especially in a public setting, said no. In reality I had several. He eventually admitted that he had been seeing his ex-girlfriend the whole time he was seeing me. Was I simply a placeholder until she was ready to take him back? Did he ever actually like me? Without warning and without clarification, the dissolution of the situationship fed into my insecurities. Even though he insisted that it was nothing to do with me, I still had a lurking feeling that my actions had caused this. <\/p>\n

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For people who lack a secure attachment style, a situationship breakup can feel especially painful because it confirms a fear that is developed during early childhood: that someone they care about might unexpectedly one day abandon them, or cannot be depended on.<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n<\/figure>\n

There are ways to try and mitigate this kind of spiralling, which is all too common when it feels like any semblance of control has been yanked from our hands. \u201cI suggest creating a pie chart. What are all the reasons why it hasn\u2019t worked out?\u201d says clinical psychologist Dr Omolola Olukotun<\/a>. \u201cPeople probably put 80% of themselves in there, [the rest] might be because something hasn\u2019t worked out for some other reason. Then we would say take yourself out and actually, by taking themselves out, they can think of more reasons why it might have ended.\u201d<\/p>\n

Dr Olukotun also explains that for people who lack a secure attachment style<\/a>, a situationship breakup can feel especially painful because it confirms a fear that is developed during early childhood: that someone they care about might unexpectedly one day abandon them, or cannot be depended on. Long-term relationships that were once secure don\u2019t typically evoke the same level of anxiety. \u201cIf you were with someone for a longer time and you\u2019ve both identified that I am yours and you are mine, [breaking up] doesn\u2019t activate that sense of abandonment or the sense of fear of dependence per se.\u201d <\/p>\n

Having an attachment style that is not secure can mean you are instinctively attracted to the insecure nature of a situationship and the person who comes with it, even if it leaves us perpetually anxious. Dr Olukotun encourages people who find themselves in these situationships to examine what makes them feel safe and comfortable. \u201cSo working out actually, what do I want? And is the person I keep trying to go for, do they make me feel safe? Or do they remind me of early life experiences?\u201d Once you know what you need\u00a0to\u00a0feel comfortable in\u00a0a\u00a0situationship, communicate this and establish clear boundaries\u00a0so that\u00a0you aren\u2019t taking the\u00a0situationship further\u00a0than either of you are prepared for. \u201cOpening up\u00a0[outside of these established boundaries]\u00a0can run the risk of emotional dependency which is not what a\u00a0situationship\u00a0is actually for,\u201d says Dr Olukotun.<\/p>\n

For it to stop hurting, I needed to forgive myself for being so upset that it ended. I had to (albeit reluctantly) admit that I had genuinely liked this person and that I had simply not anticipated that he would choose someone else, even though he was entitled to do so. I had to speak to my own therapist about it, get into my best friend\u2019s bed and cry about it, write about it.\u00a0<\/p>\n

Are situationships always bad, relationships always good? No. A situationship can be a lot of fun and allow you to discover what you can tolerate in a potential partner or relationship. But it\u2019s important to remember that while you might not want to label it a \u2018real\u2019 relationship, the people who enter it are real and so are the emotions that come with them.\u00a0<\/p>\n

Like what you see? How about some more R29 goodness, right here?<\/strong><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

When the person I\u2019d been dating for a few months told me that he was getting back together with his ex-girlfriend, effectively ending our situationship, I went a bit light-headed. It did not help that it was at my favorite bar on a Saturday night, I hadn\u2019t had much sleep and we\u2019d had six double…<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":[],"categories":[15],"tags":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/baldheadedgirls.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2754"}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/baldheadedgirls.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/baldheadedgirls.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/baldheadedgirls.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/baldheadedgirls.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=2754"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"http:\/\/baldheadedgirls.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2754\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":2755,"href":"http:\/\/baldheadedgirls.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2754\/revisions\/2755"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/baldheadedgirls.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=2754"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/baldheadedgirls.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=2754"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/baldheadedgirls.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=2754"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}