{"id":2806,"date":"2025-10-01T13:00:10","date_gmt":"2025-10-01T13:00:10","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/baldheadedgirls.com\/?p=2806"},"modified":"2025-10-02T15:05:19","modified_gmt":"2025-10-02T15:05:19","slug":"why-getting-comfortable-in-a-relationship-isnt-the-red-flag-you-think-it-is","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/baldheadedgirls.com\/index.php\/2025\/10\/01\/why-getting-comfortable-in-a-relationship-isnt-the-red-flag-you-think-it-is\/","title":{"rendered":"Why Getting Comfortable In A Relationship Isn\u2019t The Red Flag You Think It Is"},"content":{"rendered":"

Head to TikTok and you\u2019ll find plenty of excellent relationship advice, but spend too much time in the hashtags #relationshipadvice <\/a>and #relationshipgoals<\/a>, you\u2019ll discover a plethora of questionable stuff, too. The quick-fire nature of the social media platform doesn\u2019t exactly allow for nuance, and one recent video that threw me for a loop was about getting comfortable in a relationship.<\/p>\n

I can\u2019t remember the creator because I swiped past it so fast I almost burned my fingertips. But basically, it was saying \u201cif you\u2019re comfortable, you\u2019re bored and need to leave\u201d. I panicked \u2014 I\u2019ve been with my partner for almost two years now, my longest relationship. I don\u2019t even feel like we had a super intense honeymoon period <\/a>\u2014 I liked him, he liked me, we started seeing each other more and more. We moved in together, got a dog. Sure, for the first few months we were a bit love-drunk, but that settled into comfortable ease fairly quickly. It\u2019s great. It\u2019s chill. It\u2019s nice.<\/p>\n

I\u2019m an anxious gal and a lot of my anxiety has centered on relationships<\/a>. I critique everything<\/em>. Is my partner right for me. Am I really in love. Do we have enough sex. Whatever my brain can fixate on, I\u2019ll go there \u2014 so this TikTok was confronting. Was my relationship too easy<\/em>? Had we lost our spark, or even had it in the first place? I got stuck in the vortex of TikTok couples dancing around fields of daisies and making out furiously in front of renovated campervans. Captions like \u201cevery day is a new adventure with you\u201d abounded. Anxious? I was positively beside myself at this point.<\/p>\n

\u201cFeeling comfortable is necessary to develop healthy relationships,\u201d says psychologist Kayla Steele. \u201cTo be comfortable in a relationship suggests that you have developed a level of attachment security, which is essential for your physical and emotional wellbeing.\u201d<\/p>\n

Speaking to Steele, I realized that a lot of my anxiety was fuelled by comfort being a new experience. Prior to my partner Tom, I had a string of short-term romances that either felt one-sided (my side, ofc) or ended abruptly. None lasted longer than four months, which meant that I never settled into an actual relationship, even if I was calling the guy my boyfriend.<\/p>\n

In those early periods, I was on edge \u2014 I may have been infatuated, but I didn\u2019t have any security. This lack of security may have felt like excitement, but actually, I was just flying through the air without a safety net. Every time, I crashed.<\/p>\n

\u201cBeing comfortable or settled in a relationship means that you are able to trust your partner and yourself, and this lays the foundation for vulnerability and intimacy,\u201d explains Steele. I feel this \u2014 my relationship might be predictable and drama-free, but the safety cocoon this gives us allows for deeper connection. \u201cFor people whose relationships have been marked by insecurity, turbulence, or volatility, feeling at peace can be uncomfortable or even threatening,\u201d explains Steele.\u00a0<\/p>\n

Beneath the thrill of my past relationships was fear \u2014 and actually, I never developed much of a closeness to those partners because I didn\u2019t feel safe enough to do so.<\/p>\n

Feeling settled in a relationship is actually a place of peace, not boredom. The world barrages us with stimulation at all times \u2014 apps, social media, TV, radio \u2014 there\u2019s always something in our ears or eyes, and that\u2019s made us uncomfortable with just being<\/em>. But without relaxing into a relationship, you can\u2019t cultivate true intimacy. Without intimacy, you never get past the surface.<\/p>\n

Hollywood kicked off this addiction to thrills \u2014 angst, yearning, passion, can\u2019t-live-without-you fire. But social media has taken it and positioned it as a lived experience. Now, we compare our love stories to random people on Instagram or TikTok, and because the nature of these platforms is that simple and shareable equals maximum reach, what we get is binary thinking presented as fact. Life is way more nuanced than \u201cif you\u2019re settled, you\u2019re settling\u201d or \u201cif you\u2019re comfortable, you\u2019re bored\u201d.\u00a0<\/p>\n

Is it any wonder we\u2019re feeling anxious when our relationships are actually at their healthiest?\u00a0<\/p>\n

Still, there is such a thing as a comfort rut. There is a difference between comfort and complacency. \u201cComplacency in relationships is a feeling of being satisfied with the current state of your relationship, without thinking critically or indeed having awareness of how others may be feeling,\u201d says Steele. \u201cWhen you are complacent in your relationship, you may feel like you do not need to put in effort, and this can lead to dissatisfaction, frustration or even the breakdown of relationships.\u201d<\/p>\n

I\u2019m finding this a fine line to walk because it is so<\/em> easy to take my healthy relationship for granted. Finding comfort and finally enjoying it is like wrapping yourself in a warm blanket. But when my partner and I don\u2019t check in on a regular basis, we find ourselves becoming roomates, not lovers.<\/p>\n

\u201cRelationships need a healthy balance of comfort (or security) and exploration (or play),\u201d says Steele. I\u2019m now trying to balance our natural routine, which I really love by the way, with introducing new experiences. That might be going on dates mid-week, making travel plans (even if it\u2019s just a weekend away) \u2013 even switching up our daily walks with our dog can snap us out of going through the motions.<\/p>\n

It\u2019s also making sure we physically interact \u2014 hugging when one of us gets home, kissing each other goodnight, snuggling on the couch. All of this romantic touch keeps the spark alive, I\u2019ve found. Weeks when we go through the motions are weeks when I start to feel disconnected.<\/p>\n

But this is just a life problem, not a relationship one. Even when I was single I had to mix up my routine or I would find myself feeling bored and aimless. It\u2019s strange that we put romantic relationships up on an impossibly high pedestal, to the point where the natural complexities of life become Big Problems when in any other relationship or within our own independent experiences, they\u2019re just accepted. There is literally no part of life that doesn\u2019t need a jumpstart every now and then, so why do we expect relationships to maintain the energy they have at the beginning?<\/p>\n

I truly believe the reason we fixate on comfort and routine in relationships is because we\u2019ve been conditioned to believe love is meant to be turbulent and drive all the excitement in our lives. It\u2019s not. Love is supposed to be supportive. A truly healthy relationship is one you feel safe in, because then<\/em> you have the support you need to take leaps into vulnerable places.\u00a0<\/p>\n

I\u2019ve realized that I am responsible for making my life exciting, and that excitement isn\u2019t meant to come from long-term love, at least not constantly. I can share exciting moments with my partner and I definitely notice that our story has waves \u2014 we might hit a complacency patch, but then we\u2019ll have a great night out or someone has a life win and the relationship energy changes again.\u00a0<\/p>\n

Honestly, life is so chaotic. It\u2019s actually the best experience ever to have a constant, calming love story at the centre of it.<\/p>\n

Like what you see? How about some more R29 goodness, right here?<\/strong><\/p>\n

The Dating Red Flags To Watch Out For<\/a><\/p>\n

How I Learned To Look For Green Flags In Dating<\/a><\/p>\n

What Are Pink Flags In Dating?<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Head to TikTok and you\u2019ll find plenty of excellent relationship advice, but spend too much time in the hashtags #relationshipadvice and #relationshipgoals, you\u2019ll discover a plethora of questionable stuff, too. The quick-fire nature of the social media platform doesn\u2019t exactly allow for nuance, and one recent video that threw me for a loop was about…<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":[],"categories":[15],"tags":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/baldheadedgirls.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2806"}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/baldheadedgirls.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/baldheadedgirls.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/baldheadedgirls.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/baldheadedgirls.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=2806"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"http:\/\/baldheadedgirls.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2806\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":2807,"href":"http:\/\/baldheadedgirls.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2806\/revisions\/2807"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/baldheadedgirls.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=2806"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/baldheadedgirls.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=2806"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/baldheadedgirls.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=2806"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}