{"id":3976,"date":"2025-12-09T14:38:01","date_gmt":"2025-12-09T15:38:01","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/baldheadedgirls.com\/?p=3976"},"modified":"2025-12-11T15:04:25","modified_gmt":"2025-12-11T15:04:25","slug":"im-happily-married-but-if-i-ever-divorced-id-never-do-it-again","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/baldheadedgirls.com\/index.php\/2025\/12\/09\/im-happily-married-but-if-i-ever-divorced-id-never-do-it-again\/","title":{"rendered":"I\u2019m Happily Married. But If I Ever Divorced, I\u2019d Never Do It Again"},"content":{"rendered":"
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I have a confession to make. And it\u2019s the kind I can only say now, in my thirties, after having a child<\/a> and after finding and marrying<\/a> an incredible man: I love my husband. I love our life. And I love our daughter. But if we ever divorced, I would never get married again.<\/p>\n

It\u2019s not because marriage has failed me. Javy and I met during the middle of the pandemic (remember 2020?) on the Latino dating app Chispa<\/a>, and we\u2019ve been attached ever since. We dated for six months before moving in together, and we got married in Las Vegas in 2023, when I was already three months pregnant. He\u2019s a great partner and father. He works two full-time jobs, and still teaches our daughter how to count in Spanish and helps out during bath time. It truly feels like I\u2019ve found a diamond in the rough.\u00a0<\/p>\n

But five years later, I now understand what the real cost of partnership<\/a> looks like and what marriage asks for. And if I ever had to rebuild my life from scratch, I simply would not hand all of that over to someone else again.<\/p>\n

Marriage, even the good kind, demands things from women that it doesn\u2019t equally demand from men. No, I don\u2019t mean the often-physical labor of keeping a house or raising a family, though, according to the Gender Equity Policy Institute<\/a>, heterosexual women perform twice the amount of childcare and household work as their male counterparts. <\/em>But for many women, that can be the tip of the invisible labor iceberg: How you plan your day with someone else\u2019s schedule factored in and how you approach bills and major life decisions \u2014 it all changes with another autonomous person\u2019s thoughts, hopes, and limitations thrown into the mix. Psychology Today<\/a> revealed that women end marriages not only because of abuse or infidelity, but also because \u201cthe relationship is no longer worth the sacrifices required of them.\u201d Turns out, the emotional labor, lack of empathy from partners, and unequal effort are just some of the reasons many women walk away.\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

Historically, marriage has been an institution built on women\u2019s sacrifice, emotionally, socially, and even legally. For generations, women have swallowed our needs, softened our ambitions, and built our identities around care: care for our partners, our home, our children, and everyone else before us. And for Latinas, in particular, who were often raised in cultures where love is shown through service, where \u201cfamilia primero\u201d <\/em>isn\u2019t a suggestion but a moral code, it\u2019s frighteningly easy to slip into roles our mothers and grandmothers carried, even when we swore we never would. And it\u2019s not because we\u2019re weak but rather because the world still subconsciously expects it, praises it, and labels anything less as selfish.<\/p>\n

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\u201cHistorically, marriage has been an institution built on women\u2019s sacrifice, emotionally, socially, and even legally.\u201d<\/p>\n

Paulina Roe<\/cite><\/p><\/blockquote>\n<\/figure>\n

I went into marriage thinking I understood partnership, but once the cake was eaten and the honeymoon was over, I realized how much of my life had become work to keep our lives<\/em> functioning. The calendar-keeping, the appointments, the remembering, the meal-planning, and the million invisible decisions that keep a household running \u2014 it all fell on me by default. I carried it convincing myself it was normal and every partnership goes through this. And part of that came from my culture. I married a loving, devoted Latino man who was raised in a world where men are applauded for \u201chelping.\u201d And I\u2019m a Latina raised with the same script: be strong, but also be accommodating. Build a life, but also carry everyone else\u2019s.<\/p>\n

This isn\u2019t how things are for us anymore. Eventually, we talked it over and agreed that we\u2019re not continuing that cycle. Not in our marriage and not for our daughter. And slowly, things shifted. Not perfectly, but intentionally. Today, he carries his share of both the parenting and day-to-day responsibilities.<\/p>\n

\u201cMarriage isn\u2019t always 50\/50,\u201d Stella Barrutia, LCSW,<\/a> a Licensed Clinical Social Worker based in Chicago, tells Refinery29 Somos. \u201cSome days, it\u2019s 80\/20. Other days, it\u2019s 20\/80. When the foundation is truly love and respect, the balance will always realign. The challenge is that many women are taught, implicitly or explicitly, that once they\u2019re married, they must continue doing everything for themselves \u2014 and now also for their husbands and children.\u201d<\/p>\n

Barrutia, whose work is bicultural and includes a focus on Latine experiences, added that \u201chonest conversations about partnership, roles, ambitions, and expectations are absolutely essential\u201d when it comes to choosing a life partner. In other words, the day-to-day setup of marriage and partnership can be imperfect while the relationship itself is deeply loving.\u00a0<\/p>\n

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\u201cFor Latinas, in particular, who were often raised in cultures where love is shown through service, where \u201cfamilia primero\u201disn\u2019t a suggestion but a moral code, it\u2019s frighteningly easy to slip into roles our mothers and grandmothers carried, even when we swore we never would.\u201d<\/p>\n

Paulina Roe<\/cite><\/p><\/blockquote>\n<\/figure>\n

My critique is of the structure, not with the man I chose. Javy is a great partner and a great father, and I\u2019m so grateful for him. He fully supports my career and business, cares for our family to make sure we never go without, and shows up when life gets heavy. He brings steadiness into our lives. Just last week, after a 24-hour shift at the firehouse, he walked in, took our baby out of her crib when she woke up at 7 a.m., and fed her breakfast, did the whole routine, and let me sleep without ever making it seem like a favor.<\/p>\n

But marriage as an institution? It\u2019s complicated and, based on current trends, is becoming outdated.<\/p>\n

Here\u2019s the reality: Americans are getting married way less<\/a> and much later than previous generations. The marriage rate in the U.S. has dropped by more than 50% since the early 1900s, and only about 1 in 5 people in their mid-20s today has ever been married, the lowest level ever recorded. People of all genders aren\u2019t rushing down the aisle anymore, and instead are taking their time, building careers, and figuring out who they are before they sign up for that kind of commitment.<\/p>\n

And the myth that marriage is the only path to stability? Well, that\u2019s gone, too. Latinas, and women in general, are now earning more college degrees<\/a> than men, and we\u2019re showing up in spaces our mothers and abuelas could only dream about. Financial independence has shifted the power dynamic, too. And to add to that, women are delaying motherhood (I had my first baby at 31), choosing different family structures, and rejecting the idea that being a wife or a mother has to define your entire identity.\u00a0<\/p>\n

Many of us grew up watching our mothers carry the emotional load, the childcare, the cooking, everything \u2014\u00a0and now we\u2019re refusing to recreate what drained the women before us.<\/p>\n

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\u201cMany women \u2014\u00a0and especially Latinas \u2014 grew up watching generations of women carry their marriages on their backs. So even when they\u2019re ambitious, educated, and financially independent, there\u2019s a learned fear that marriage will shrink them. They\u2019re afraid that choosing partnership means choosing limitations. That\u2019s not because women are unsure of themselves; it\u2019s because the institution still carries expectations rooted in another era.\u201d<\/p>\n

Stella Barrutia, LCSW<\/cite><\/p><\/blockquote>\n<\/figure>\n

\u201cMany women \u2014\u00a0and especially Latinas \u2014 grew up watching generations of women carry their marriages on their backs,\u201d Barrutia notes. \u201cSo even when they\u2019re ambitious, educated, and financially independent, there\u2019s a learned fear that marriage will shrink them. They\u2019re afraid that choosing partnership means choosing limitations. That\u2019s not because women are unsure of themselves; it\u2019s because the institution still carries expectations rooted in another era.\u201d\u00a0<\/p>\n

Barrutia continues: \u201cWhen women ask, \u2018Can I be ambitious and married?\u2019 they\u2019re really asking, \u2018Is there room for all of me here? Healthy partnership answers that with a yes. But culturally, many haven\u2019t seen that model reflected back to them.\u201d<\/p>\n

True, these ambitions can feel a little less isolating when you have a partner cheering you on. Javy supports my dreams in the ways that actually matter. When work gets intense, he picks up what I can\u2019t. When I\u2019m building The Mami Collective,<\/a> he steps in with childcare, dinner, and whatever else needs to be done. He asks how he can help before I say I\u2019m overwhelmed. He celebrates my wins with me. He makes space for my goals. And, most importantly, he shares the invisible load so it\u2019s not all on me. Because that\u2019s partnership: not perfect, not 50\/50, just two people choosing to show up for each other.<\/p>\n

Yet, even still, it often feels like the contours of marriage are constrained by outdated and ever-present expectations.\u00a0<\/p>\n

When writer Chant\u00e9 Joseph posed the question \u201cIs Having a Boyfriend Embarrassing Now?\u201d <\/a>for Vogue<\/em> in October, I noticed something interesting in the Instagram comments and the surrounding discourse. By and large, respondents echoed the same sentiment: I love my partner, but sometimes I fantasize about the freedom I\u2019d have if I didn\u2019t have to factor someone else into every corner of my life.\u00a0<\/p>\n

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\u201cWe miss the unshared version of ourselves \u2014 the woman who had her own schedule, her own thoughts, her own orbit. Wanting that again isn\u2019t selfish. It\u2019s a sign you\u2019re still in touch with who you are. That\u2019s the difference.\u201d<\/p>\n

PAULINA ROE<\/cite><\/p><\/blockquote>\n<\/figure>\n

Not because we want our partners gone, but because we want ourselves back. We miss the unshared version of ourselves \u2014 the woman who had her own schedule, her own thoughts, her own orbit. Wanting that again isn\u2019t selfish. It\u2019s a sign you\u2019re still in touch with who you are. That\u2019s the difference.<\/p>\n

So when I say I wouldn\u2019t get married again, I\u2019m not saying that I\u2019m rushing to divorce my husband. In fact, when I told him I wouldn\u2019t get married again, he didn\u2019t spiral. He lifted his eyebrows and said, \u201cHonestly? I get it.\u201d We\u2019ve talked about how marriage hits differently for women and how the mental load and expectations pile up even in the healthiest partnerships. He knows I love him; he also knows the institution asks more of me than it ever will of him. His reaction wasn\u2019t defensive. It was honest, a little uncomfortable, and very, \u201cYeah, you\u2019re not wrong.\u201d<\/p>\n

I\u2019m not married because of fear, tradition, or cultural pressure. I\u2019m in it because I choose to be. Because this specific partnership works for me. Because the love and respect are mutual and because my husband makes the sacrifices with me, not just for him.<\/p>\n

But if the water were to rise and hell were to freeze over, I wouldn\u2019t do it over again. Not the white dress, not the bridal shower, not the honeymoon. I\u2019m not interested in further contributing to a narrative in which a Latina\u2019s value is tied to having a partner. I\u2019ve worked my butt off to build my life, career, and identity. I don\u2019t need to rebuild it all over again.<\/p>\n

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\u201cMy marriage is one of the most beautiful parts of my life, but it also taught me exactly how much of myself it takes to build a partnership that works. If I ever had to rebuild again, I\u2019d do it as me: Paulina Roe. Because that\u2019s enough.\u201d<\/p>\n

PAULINA ROE<\/cite><\/p><\/blockquote>\n<\/figure>\n

This clarity can be powerful. It helps me show up intentionally in my marriage today \u2014 not because I fear divorce, but because I understand what marriage takes from the both of us. A good marriage takes honest conversations about the hard things, even when they\u2019re uncomfortable. And it takes partners choosing effort and accountability on purpose, because the relationship deserves it.<\/p>\n

My marriage is one of the most beautiful parts of my life, but it also taught me exactly how much of myself it takes to build a partnership that works. If I ever had to rebuild again, I\u2019d do it as me: Paulina Roe. Because that\u2019s enough. I\u2019d want to keep the version of me that survived. The woman who rebuilt her identity not as a wife or mother, but as herself.<\/p>\n

On TikTok<\/a>, many women have expressed feeling similarly. \u201cI love my husband, but marriage still asks more of me than it does of him,\u201d Diana Lopez, a 34-year-old Mexican-American mother of two based in Chicago, said. \u201cI don\u2019t want out, I just want room to breathe, to grow, and to still be my own person. Wanting yourself back isn\u2019t a threat to your relationship \u2014 it\u2019s a sign you\u2019re finally paying attention to what you need.\u201d<\/p>\n

And why is that? Because we\u2019re finally being honest about the price of partnership, even when it\u2019s good.<\/p>\n

And we\u2019re asking ourselves: If I ever had to pay that price again, would I?<\/p>\n

Like what you see? How about some more R29 goodness, right here?<\/strong><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

I have a confession to make. And it\u2019s the kind I can only say now, in my thirties, after having a child and after finding and marrying an incredible man: I love my husband. I love our life. And I love our daughter. But if we ever divorced, I would never get married again. It\u2019s…<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":3978,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":[],"categories":[15],"tags":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/baldheadedgirls.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3976"}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/baldheadedgirls.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/baldheadedgirls.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/baldheadedgirls.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/baldheadedgirls.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=3976"}],"version-history":[{"count":2,"href":"http:\/\/baldheadedgirls.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3976\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":3979,"href":"http:\/\/baldheadedgirls.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3976\/revisions\/3979"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/baldheadedgirls.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/3978"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/baldheadedgirls.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=3976"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/baldheadedgirls.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=3976"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/baldheadedgirls.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=3976"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}