{"id":5296,"date":"2026-03-11T10:00:51","date_gmt":"2026-03-11T11:00:51","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/baldheadedgirls.com\/?p=5296"},"modified":"2026-03-12T15:04:09","modified_gmt":"2026-03-12T15:04:09","slug":"knowing-your-partners-argument-style-can-be-a-relationship-game-changer","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/baldheadedgirls.com\/index.php\/2026\/03\/11\/knowing-your-partners-argument-style-can-be-a-relationship-game-changer\/","title":{"rendered":"Knowing Your Partner\u2019s \u201cArgument Style\u201d Can Be A Relationship Game-Changer"},"content":{"rendered":"
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The past couple of years have popularized the idea of understanding your attachment style<\/a>, identifying a partner\u2019s perceived narcissism<\/a> or ranking their emotional intelligence. But perhaps one of the most useful patterns in human behavior that we can apply to our relationships touches on a subject that is inherently fraught: how we argue<\/a>.<\/p>\n

The first thing to establish here is that arguing is perfectly common<\/a>. Conflict is an inevitable part of life: We are all different and therefore do not all think in the same way or hold the same opinions. But the way in which we argue can drastically change how we communicate<\/a> and understand one another, which has a knock-on effect on our relationships.<\/p>\n

Holly Roberts, a counselor from the relationship support charity Relate<\/a>, gives the example of someone who is confident and assertive having an argument with someone who\u2019s a bit more introverted<\/a>. \u201cThat kind of argument is always going to end in the introverted person feeling like they\u2019ve lost because they couldn\u2019t express themselves well, while the other person may think they\u2019ve \u2018won\u2019 but actually it feels like an empty victory.\u201d<\/p>\n

In scenarios like these, whatever issues you\u2019re arguing about<\/a> are unlikely to be resolved as neither side is able genuinely to put their point across or hear what the other is saying. If the point of arguing is to try and make someone else understand what you feel<\/a>, then, as Roberts explains, \u201cWhen it becomes argumentative and conflictual, the point of the argument is lost, and it\u2019s just about he who shouts loudest.\u201d <\/p>\n

This is why understanding the different argument styles<\/a> can be key to learning how to communicate better and actually argue better (read: in a healthier way).<\/p>\n

What are argument styles?<\/h2>\n

In a workplace or business environment, argument styles are called \u2018conflict management\u2019 styles, according to the Thomas Kilmann model<\/a>, and fall into five clear camps: competing, avoiding, accommodating, collaborating, and compromising. While these have very clear-cut definitions, Beverley Blackman<\/a>, a psychotherapist and Counselling Directory member<\/a>, suggests that there are various roles into which people fall in the context of a personal relationship.<\/p>\n

\u201cThere are a number of different roles that people fall into during arguments, and often this argument style is formed early in life, generally through modeling by parents<\/a> or other authority figures such as teachers,\u201d Blackman says. This role often becomes ingrained and unless we observe how we respond in times of conflict, we often remain unaware of it<\/a>. While no one has a set role that they adopt all the time, we can loosely identify four main types.<\/p>\n

Attacking<\/strong> or \u201cconflict-prone\u201d<\/h3>\n

This argument style, which can also be described as \u201cconflict-prone,\u201d relies on pointing out things that others are doing \u201cwrong\u201d and is motivated usually by feelings of anger<\/a> or annoyance.<\/p>\n

\u201cIt can come across as aggressive and accusatory,\u201d Blackman explains, \u201cusually starting sentences with \u2018You\u2026\u2019 For example: \u2018You never put the washing away\u2019 or \u2018You always leave me to deal with the child\u2019s teacher.’\u201d This argument style can certainly help you express annoyance and anger at your partner<\/a> but it doesn\u2019t necessarily tell them what you want or need from them<\/a>. And because it\u2019s accusatory and the accusations are about your partner\u2019s actions, it leaves them open to arguing back, which is when things can get heated. Because of this, attacking isn\u2019t always the best way to resolve conflict.<\/p>\n

A defensive<\/strong> style<\/h3>\n

This comes out in all scenarios, but particularly if you are on the receiving end of an attacking argument. In those instances it\u2019s natural to want to defend yourself<\/a> and attempt to offer explanations or deny the accusations \u2014 usually stemming from a feeling of upset or rejection<\/a>. \u201cWhile defending yourself against an angry onslaught is a normal thing to want to do,\u201d Blackman says, \u201cit is something that doesn\u2019t go very far towards solving the argument because these two styles are conflictual on a very closed, \u2018Yes-No\u2019 level, and leave little room for looking for resolution.\u201d<\/p>\n

Withdrawn from and\/or withdrawing<\/strong><\/h3>\n

Withdrawal can affect the argument in two ways, depending whether you are being withdrawn from or are the one withdrawing<\/a>. If it\u2019s the former, there will often be an urge to pursue the withdrawer in order to keep making your point or to try and resolve the argument. The background emotion here, Blackman says, is \u201cusually one of frustration or feeling unseen or unheard<\/a>. While it\u2019s great to want to resolve the argument, the difficulty is that you are not paying attention to your partner\u2019s response or need to step away, so it is likely to heighten their emotion and make them more resentful towards you.\u201d<\/p>\n

If you are the one who is conflict-avoidant, it usually stems from feelings of fear or anxiety<\/a>. \u201cYou don\u2019t want to engage in the argument in any way and you will often want to emotionally detach from your partner if an argument is on the horizon. This can both frustrate and upset your partner. Again, it isn\u2019t the best way to resolve conflict, especially,\u201d Blackman adds, \u201cif you fear that opening the topic up again later will result in your partner being angry again.\u201d<\/p>\n

Roberts adds another iteration of withdrawing: when someone deliberately sits on the fence and remains passive<\/a>. \u201cThey may still argue back but they will try and argue to keep the peace,\u201d Roberts says. This can mean agreeing with whatever you say and never attempting to get their own point across, which can add irritation to an argument.<\/p>\n

Being open<\/strong><\/h3>\n

And then of course there is the holy grail of argument styles: being open<\/a> and able to consider the whole situation from different perspectives while remaining calm. \u201cThis encourages your partner to think about the conflict and the way you are both reacting,\u201d Blackman says, \u201cand it is often productive if the partner feels listened to and understood \u2014 you may not agree with what they are saying but it helps if you can see their perspective. This serves to move the argument past the conflict phase and on to looking at ways in which you can both resolve the difficulty<\/a>.\u201d<\/p>\n

DashDividers_1_500x100<\/title><\/div>\n<h2>How can identifying argument styles help relationships?<\/h2>\n<p>These argument styles are in no way fixed \u2014 the one you are most drawn to is likely to be one you became familiar with through the <a href=\"https:\/\/www.refinery29.com\/en-us\/talking-to-mom-about-dating\">adults around you<\/a> in your formative years. However, the person you are arguing with and the context you are in can influence how you argue, too. The way you argue with a colleague or a boss will feel different from <a href=\"https:\/\/www.refinery29.com\/en-us\/couple-fighting-at-event-relationship-tips\">arguments with a partner<\/a> or a sibling <a href=\"https:\/\/www.refinery29.com\/en-us\/friendship-breakup-stories\">or a friend<\/a>.<\/p>\n<p>You can recognize the style you\u2019re most drawn to by noticing what is <a href=\"https:\/\/www.refinery29.com\/en-gb\/sexual-anxiety-advice\">happening in your body<\/a> during a conflict. Roberts says: \u201cTry to almost press pause on what\u2019s going on and take a minute just to check in with yourself. Do you notice your heart racing? Do you notice your legs feeling twitchy because you want to run away from the situation? Do you feel so angry that you don\u2019t even know what you\u2019re saying?\u201d Spotting these cues in your felt experience will give a clear indication of whether your response is driven by feelings of anger <a href=\"https:\/\/www.refinery29.com\/en-us\/social-anxiety-dressing-style-effects\">or anxiety<\/a> or a desire to escape.<\/p>\n<p>This can help you to argue in a more productive way, which can, in turn, help your personal relationships. To do this, Roberts says, you <a href=\"https:\/\/www.refinery29.com\/en-us\/intrusive-thoughts-tiktok-misuse\">have to be mindful<\/a> of what you are feeling and saying and owning your own behavior. If you are conflict-prone, for example, and really want to ramp up into a big argument, you know that it is not the other person making this happen but you. \u201cIf I know that\u2019s me that\u2019s doing that and I\u2019m owning this behavior, I have the capacity to change that, because I can change myself,\u201d Roberts says. \u201cAnd if I understand it, then maybe I can be a bit more responsive or have a bit more flexibility.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>This is particularly useful for relationships if you can <a href=\"https:\/\/www.refinery29.com\/en-us\/therapy-language-trend-ruining-relationships\">identify the argument style<\/a> of your partner, Blackman says. \u201cWhile you will still get into arguments, you will both have ways of being able to dial down the emotions more quickly and be able to focus on the problem at hand,\u201d Blackman says. \u201cIf you can discuss your respective argument styles with each other (when you are both calm!) and explain how the other person makes you feel in an argument, it allows them to take it on board and consider it when it comes to conflict.\u201d This helps you find a mutual way forward and makes space for your own feelings without resorting to accusations or defensiveness.<\/p>\n<p>Ultimately, the goal in an argument is to feel heard and understood. Stepping away from your instinctive argument response can create that space where you can feel heard and, crucially, you can listen to the other person as well, which will mean less time spent arguing and stewing, and more time spent enjoying each other\u2019s company.<\/p>\n<p><em>This article was originally published in June 2022 and has since been updated. <\/em><\/p>\n<p><strong>Like what you see? How about some more R29 goodness, right here?<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><a href=\"https:\/\/www.refinery29.com\/en-us\/friendship-breakup-stories?utm_source=rss&utm_medium=rss_linkback1\">13 People On The Sting Of Friendship Breakups<\/a><\/p>\n<p><a href=\"https:\/\/www.refinery29.com\/en-us\/relationship-breakup-growth-learning?utm_source=rss&utm_medium=rss_linkback2\">Women On What Their Last Breakup Taught Them<\/a><\/p>\n<p><a href=\"https:\/\/www.refinery29.com\/en-us\/common-interests-relationship?utm_source=rss&utm_medium=rss_linkback3\">Are Common Interests Important For A Relationship?<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>The past couple of years have popularized the idea of understanding your attachment style, identifying a partner\u2019s perceived narcissism or ranking their emotional intelligence. But perhaps one of the most useful patterns in human behavior that we can apply to our relationships touches on a subject that is inherently fraught: how we argue. The first…<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":5298,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":[],"categories":[15],"tags":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/baldheadedgirls.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/5296"}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/baldheadedgirls.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/baldheadedgirls.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/baldheadedgirls.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/baldheadedgirls.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=5296"}],"version-history":[{"count":2,"href":"http:\/\/baldheadedgirls.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/5296\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":5299,"href":"http:\/\/baldheadedgirls.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/5296\/revisions\/5299"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/baldheadedgirls.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/5298"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/baldheadedgirls.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=5296"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/baldheadedgirls.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=5296"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/baldheadedgirls.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=5296"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}