{"id":785,"date":"2025-05-27T11:04:26","date_gmt":"2025-05-27T11:04:26","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/baldheadedgirls.com\/?p=785"},"modified":"2025-05-29T15:00:53","modified_gmt":"2025-05-29T15:00:53","slug":"the-hardest-thing-about-being-single-not-saying-yes-to-just-anyone","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/baldheadedgirls.com\/index.php\/2025\/05\/27\/the-hardest-thing-about-being-single-not-saying-yes-to-just-anyone\/","title":{"rendered":"The Hardest Thing About Being Single? Not Saying \u201cYes\u201d To Just Anyone"},"content":{"rendered":"
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\u201cSo shall we meet up again soon?\u201d reads a text from a guy. Although I\u2019ve had fun dates<\/a> with him, he\u2019s been flaky with arranging them, and is either all or nothing with his texting. I\u2019m never sure if I\u2019m about to be ghosted, or if a flurry of messages written with teenage intensity are about to land. When I write it down like that, none of it suits or reflects who I am or what I want, and it all makes me recoil at the thought of seeing him again. A decent date doesn\u2019t mean much if everything else surrounding it, like communication<\/a>, is lacklustre. And yet, why is it so hard to reply with a definitive \u201cno\u201d and shut that door forever?<\/p>\n

I recently saw a woman talking on TikTok about how the hardest thing with being single<\/a> is not saying \u201cyes\u201d to just anyone, especially the people you know aren\u2019t right for you. The temptation exists because being single naturally comes with moments of loneliness, and with loneliness, comes the risk of lower standards, settling, and going along with a date just for momentary fun. But I have been single for a long while and I have given in to these moments before. I\u2019ve learned the short term \u201cfun\u201d is rarely worth the disheartening feeling that sits with you long after that fun stops.\u00a0<\/p>\n

I\u2019m trying to get better at not saying \u201cyes\u201d to just anyone, and to not let my own self-doubt call my instincts into question (which end up being proven right, pretty much always). Dating intentionally does limit your options. When everyone around me is in relationships, it isn\u2019t as straightforward and simple as saying \u201cno\u201d to the wrong people. When \u201cno\u201d should be the answer, it\u2019s still in tension with hope and desire. This self-doubt has something to do with a scarcity mindset, according to Liz Kelly, psychotherapist and author of This Book Is Cheaper Than Therapy<\/em><\/a>. \u201cA scarcity mindset is based on the belief that resources are limited and difficult to obtain,\u201d she says. \u201cPeople with this mindset often make reactive decisions based on fear and anxiety. They tend to settle for unfulfilling situations because they doubt anything better will come and fear losing what they have. This can be detrimental in dating.\u201d Kelly adds this type of thinking can cause a person to ignore red flags, feel like their options are limited, fear that they will never find a partner, and stay in unhealthy relationships. For those of us who are a part of the done-with-dating-apps<\/a> collective, the familiarity of wondering if we\u2019ll be single forever is enough to make us wince.<\/p>\n

Before people tell me I\u2019m being too picky, this isn\u2019t the same as not giving someone a chance or making a snap decision before you\u2019ve even had the time to properly talk. I\u2019ve given out chances and haven\u2019t asked for much back in exchange for my time and openness. So, this isn\u2019t about a lack of chances, it\u2019s about engaging with people you know aren\u2019t right for you. You might be thinking, well, that\u2019s easy, Tanyel. Again, I don\u2019t think it is that simple. For ages now in modern dating, we\u2019ve spoken about people in extremes. \u201cHe\u2019s a narcissist,\u201d is thrown around casually. When we speak of bad dating behavior, people love to put labels on it. While that helps us define confusing situations, the truth is that most people aren\u2019t far on either side of the good and bad spectrum. A lot of us are somewhere in the middle and haven\u2019t done awful things. Someone can be decent and not for you, but rarely do we speak about dating in such a neutral way. A date might have said something you weren\u2019t keen on at all, or done something that doesn\u2019t align with you. But because it wasn\u2019t horrendous, doubt creeps in about your decision to not go out again and that person ends up eating more of your time than they should. And guess what? You\u2019re still single at the end of it, grappling with the same disillusionment, only this time, there\u2019s a fresh sting to it.<\/p>\n

Kelly says that in order to stay connected to your values, it\u2019s important to \u201ccome from a mindset of abundance while dating\u201d. That looks like believing that you deserve love, that you are worthy of healthy relationships and respect, and that there are good people out there, she explains. \u201cOne strategy for practicing an abundance mindset is to reflect daily on what you appreciate and to identify small wins,\u201d Kelly says. \u201cYou can simultaneously be frustrated and disappointed with dating while feeling thankful for friends and other parts of your life. Both of those things can be true at the same time.\u201d This way, you\u2019re less likely to fall into the trap of dating someone who isn\u2019t necessarily good for you.<\/p>\n

In the end, I did decide to put an end to seeing that guy again. As fun as he is in person, his unreliability was irritating to me as someone that likes to plan. It also felt increasingly disrespectful of my time. Realistically, that was never going to work out. When I am brave enough to say no and am confident that I am sticking to my values, I feel powerful. I\u2019m not trucking along with someone who isn\u2019t right for me, instead I get to give myself a little pat on the back and carry on until something better comes along. I\u2019m glad I\u2019m not forcing myself through the motions of a date for the sake of it. Plus, future Tanyel is going to be way happier for that decision. Her fulfilment matters the most, and I think there will be people who show up where the answer is always an enthusiastic \u201cyes\u201d.<\/p>\n

Like what you see? How about some more R29 goodness, right here?<\/strong><\/p>\n

I’m A 30-Year-Old Black Woman & Have Never Dated<\/a><\/p>\n

Who Is Helping Set Up Single Black Women Like Me?<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

\u201cSo shall we meet up again soon?\u201d reads a text from a guy. Although I\u2019ve had fun dates with him, he\u2019s been flaky with arranging them, and is either all or nothing with his texting. I\u2019m never sure if I\u2019m about to be ghosted, or if a flurry of messages written with teenage intensity are…<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":787,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":[],"categories":[15],"tags":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/baldheadedgirls.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/785"}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/baldheadedgirls.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/baldheadedgirls.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/baldheadedgirls.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/baldheadedgirls.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=785"}],"version-history":[{"count":2,"href":"http:\/\/baldheadedgirls.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/785\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":788,"href":"http:\/\/baldheadedgirls.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/785\/revisions\/788"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/baldheadedgirls.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/787"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/baldheadedgirls.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=785"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/baldheadedgirls.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=785"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/baldheadedgirls.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=785"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}